Eating to Punish Myself

Hello, dear Reader.  It's been a while.  It's been a pretty bad winter, health wise.  I weighed in at 120 in Mid-December, two weeks ago I was 129, and I am pretty sure it's gone even higher now.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I've let myself fall onto the binge eating band wagon again, and though it's pretty personal, I feel like maybe my problem can help others, and maybe others might have advice for me.

For the record, the logical part of my brain knows that I'm doing the wrong thing, so there's no need to point that out.  I know things need to change.

In December, I thought to myself, "come on, it's the holidays, you'll just start dieting again in January."  Well, 2 weeks into January, dedicatedly following the "slow carb" diet, I hadn't lost a single pound.  That was depressing enough, so I started falling back to treating myself to a little of T's plate after he'd finished his lunch/dinner/whatever.  Then, he started getting into the whole baking thing, and kept pulling out sugar, salt, flour, etc from the cupboard and saying, "make something, Mommy!"  I just couldn't say no.

After a while, it turned into bedtime snacks, samples at the store, then that raw cookie dough recipe that is so popular on Pinterest.  I started to hate my lack of will power, the fact that my new pants don't button like they used to, and then I'd eat because, you know, why bother dieting if I'm not losing weight anyway?

Tonight, I put peanut butter on Chocolate Fiber One, with milk, then ate it like that, adding sugar free instant pudding, etc.  I ate some chips.  This is all after dinner.  It's starting to get ridiculous.  Scratch that.  It's been ridiculous since January 1st.  Every morning I don't dare step on the scale because I just KNOW I'm now in the mid 130s, possibly higher.  Every morning I look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see, and every morning I promise myself I'm going to be better.

I never am.  I always fail after dinner.  Finally, Sunday, I had D hide all the sugar and flour in the house.  I have no idea where they are.  I miss them.  It's stupid, illogical, and I hate that I feel this way.  I'm sick to my stomach all the time from the poor eating, but it never stops me.

I hate myself so much I eat because I'm not worth getting better.  I hate that I'll never be skinny.  I hate how I'm turning back into that overweight, ill-clothed girl I was a year ago, and I'm not doing a dang thing to stop it.  It just keeps getting worse, not better.

I've always had body image issues, ever since I was a girl.  I was getting better, proud of what I'd done, until I took off my clothes and saw the "mom" stomach in the mirror, and knew that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll always have that.  The pain that comes from perpetual failure is slowly killing me from the inside out, and I don't have the willpower to stop.

We're supposed to go on a cruise in October.  I want to be in a two piece swim suit by then...so I probably need to drop 20 lbs.  Maybe more.  I'm too scared, too depressed, too mad at myself to check.  I should have been down to my goal weight by now.  Instead, I just watch myself get bigger, and bigger, and inflict more damage just because I can.

I know I need help.  Professional help.  But with a new job, a new child to babysit, and life as hectic as it is right now, there is just no time to go to a therapist once a week, or month, or whatever.  Not to mention no money for it.

I don't know why I'm putting this out there for everyone to read.  But here it is.  And writing it out is somehow therapeutic.  Will it stop me from hurting myself?  I don't know.  I really don't.  But I want to stop. I want that strength that lost me 30 lbs last year to come back.  I just don't know what to do.  No, I know exactly what to do.  But I am afraid.

Afraid of failure.  Afraid that I've messed up my metabolism is a gloriously brutal way.  Afraid that the techniques I've had success with won't work again.  How do I get back on track?  How do you fix yourself?


Sorry this post has been so depressing.  I'm going to try and be better at writing from now on.  I even have a meatloaf recipe to post.

Skinny Girl's Hazelnut Baklava

Recently, like, since moving to Colorado, I have developed a love of Greek food.  Why?  I don't know.  But it's delicious.

Anyway, I've been trying to think up something to send with D to work, and found on the all mighty Pinterest an "easy" baklava recipe.  I had phyllo dough leftover from my Thanksgiving pumpkin pie, so I thought I'd create a healthier version.   By the way, if you're going to go for the phyllo dough pie crust...just make a pie with no crust at all.  Pie needs real crust.

Anyway, after much googling, I decided that it would be easier if I just made one up myself.  Again, sorry about the poor picture quality.  I'm asking Santa for a REAL camera for Christmas.

Natalee's Hazelnut Baklava

Ingredients:
10 sheets phyllo dough, thawed
I can't believe it's not butter spray
Canola oil zero calorie spray

Filling:
1 6 oz package of chopped hazelnuts
2 tbsp cocoa powder
1/2 c Splenda
3 tbsp water
1/2 tbsp cinnamon

Syrup:
1/4 c + 2 tbsp sugar free maple flavored syrup
1/2 c Splenda zero calorie sweetener
3 tbsp Kroger Honey
1/5 white sugar
Approx 1/3 c Kroger Simple Truth Light Brown Sugar  (10 calories per tsp.)
About 3/4 c water

So, first, take your phyllo dough and unroll it onto the counter, then get a damp paper towel and place it over the dough to prevent drying out.  Spray a 9 X 13 pan and let's get started.

Toast the hazelnuts.  I suppose you don't have to do this, but I did.  350 for about 15 minutes.  Next time I probably won't.  Meh.  Then crush them up.  Put 'em in a bowl.  Add the cocoa, Splenda, water, and cinnamon.  Mix that stuff up really well, and add a little more water if'n you wanna.

Take one sheet of phyllo dough and lay it in the pan.  Spray with butter spray (5 sprays) and a tiny bit of canola.  Brush it even and do the same with 3 more sheets, so 4 layers on the bottom.  Spread the filling on top, then lay down another phyllo sheet.  5 "butter" sprays and canola oil, brush, and then lay then only spray every 3rd layer and the last layer.  Cut it into 18 squares, then cut each square into diagonals.  I goofed and ended up with only 35 squares--don't ask.  Pop that sucker in the oven for 25-27 minutes at 375 F.  While that's cooking, make your syrup.

Syrup
Pop all of that in a saucepan and heat it, stirring frequently.  It'll get brown and runny and will smell pretty awesome.  When it's smooth and syrup-y, cover it and keep it warm until your baklava is done.  Pour over the baklava while everything is still hot, and then comes the hard part.  LET IT COOL for hours.  Like, 4 hours, so everything can get soppy and sticky.

Nutritional Value:  
Calories--70  Fat 3g  Protein: 1g  Fiber:  1 g  Carbs:  10 g.

Pinterest, how I love to hate you!

A couple months ago, I joined Pinterest.

Stupid.

But I did it.

Anyway, now I have a whole board dedicated to Healthy Foods.  Then one dedicated to "No So Healthy Foods."  And one dedicated to fitness and 'beauty,'.  And one for goodies that can be made healthier, but still you probably shouldn't eat.

This has not made my food addiction any easier.

For those of you who don't know, Pinterest is basically an online idea...pile.  You pick a category and you surf around these images for inspiration, ideas, recipes, how-tos, blah blah.  If you find one you like, you click the image and it takes you to the original website.  Then, you "pin" the image and it save the link for you on your own special "pin" board.

So there's this one category "Health and Fitness."  And basically it's pictures of body builder chicks and captions that say stuff like, "How to get abs in 6 weeks, guaranteed!"  Except none of those body builder chicks have stretch marks, that I can see.  And trust me, they aren't exactly covering up.

So here are my thoughts on Pinterest, dieting, and "inspirational" messages that I've wanted to rant about, but there's no special "Ranting" board.

1) "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  Really?  because I'm pretty sure that I'd take chocolate cake with peanut butter ganache over a size 2 dress any day.  I really have a problem with this one.  This is why so many girls like me grow up with issues.  We have tastebuds for a reason, people!  Food is awesome, and I LIKE it.  So much more than exercise.

2) Reasons to be fit--"To out lift everyone else"  "To look at my muscles and be proud"  "To crave healthy food"  and on and on and on.  All of these come with close up pictures of some hot chicks butt or abs.  This also frustrates me, because guess what.  All the lifting and crunching in the world isn't going to give me a better self image.  It's not going to take away extra skin, stretch marks, or scars.  It's not going to do anything for your confidence.  The point is to be the best that YOU can be.  Setting up unrealistic expectations for ourselves is exactly the perfect way to screw up your psyche.  Self assurance, confidence, and self-esteem can ONLY come from within ourselves.  Maybe getting fit can help, but I know plenty of skinny chicks that hate themselves and plenty of heavier people that love themselves as is.   Besides, the girls in the pictures are all probably professional athletes.  Who has that kind of time?

3) "Food and Drink"--This is the worst part of the internet.  Period.  Pretzel chocolate chip cookies?  Peanut butter chocolate cake?  White hot chocolate?  Pie?  Cookie pie?  Brownies????  For a food addict like myself...this is bad.  This is really bad.  No amount of time on the elliptical can counteract the glorious creations to be found in this category.  Stay far far away.  (However, only about 1/2 the recipes turn out like their pictures.  Just so you know.)

4) Lovey dovey quotes.  Come on.  "Nothing is more beautiful that the way the tide keeps kissing the beach every time it is pushed away."  Talk about a dysfunctional relationship metaphor.  Girl, if he pushes you away, FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.  He's not worth it.  I don't care how much "good" you see in him.

Anyway,  there's my pinterest rant.

Don't get me wrong; I'm addicted to the dumb site.  Love the funnier quotes, and have found multiple clever ideas from recipes to games to cleaning tips that work great.  But seriously--I've gotta get away.  The jury is still out on whether pinterest is a good or bad addition to my life.  And diet.  

7 Day Detox---No longer.

I gained about half a pound yesterday.  Know why?  Because I bought the WRONG kind of rotisserie chicken!  The Kroger one apparently has twice the fat as the Costco one that the lady on the website buys.

Also, I stayed up until 1 reading a library book last night, and I always retain some water when I don't sleep well.  But mostly...I blame the chicken.  Because I can.


At any rate, I've felt so sick to my stomach since Sunday night that this just isn't worth it.  I'm weak, I've had Rocky Mountain Quick Step for 2 days, and I'm over it.  No number on a scale is worth this.  I can't even do a regular work out because I just don't have the energy.

I'm going to TRY and finish out Day 6--Chicken and veggies, but frankly, there's no way I can subsist on that awful soup for a whole day tomorrow.  Both D and I think that a month of Slow Carb is waaaayy preferable to this.


Blech.

So...I'm going to post my "after" today, instead of tomorrow.  Partly because I have to work tomorrow and won't have the ambition to change into work out clothes without actually working out...and partly because I'm NOT doing Day 7.  No way, jose.  "No reward is worth this!"

Okay, so.  Started at 128 even.



Ended at 122.

6 days, 6 pounds.  Not bad.  But I can't take it anymore.  I don't feel healthy.  However, there was a subtle change to how I look.

Forgive the goofy expression, I was trying to get the camera to hold still.  NOT trying to be sexy.  Again, yes, I'm flexing, and standing upright.  However, I tried to recreate the same pose that I did in the Day 1 picture.

So there you have it.  The 7 day diet is death.  Don't do it!!


Wanna lose weight fast?  Google "slow carb diet."

On Detox Day 4

Well, this has been interesting.  I have to say, after doing Slow Carb for 4 months...this is pretty easy.  Lots more variety in the diet, though it's looking like the bird and veggie days are going to be pretty similar.


Here are my thoughts so far.  I'm down 5 pounds today, to 123.  Impressive, but not all that surprising since I'm still convinced most of it was water retention from rich foods.

Day 2 was tough.  I'm not a vegetable eater, and myfitnesspal calculated me at less than 400 calories for the whole day, but honestly, one more bite of broccoli and I would have barfed.

Saturday was fruits AND vegetables, and that's by far been the easiest day.  However, when T didn't eat his chicken nuggets for dinner, both D and I were sure tempted to scarf 'em down.  I miss meat.


Today has been fine--bananas and milk/yogurt.  I can also eat the "wonder soup" today, but it's really nothing special.  I'm pondering doing that for dinner.

I've felt a little weak, but no more than doing South Beach Phase 1 or Thursday evening on slow carb.


We'll see if I get another pound or 2 by the end of the diet--I wouldn't be surprised, though, I've been known to drop a pound a day on slow carb, and that's what Monday and Tuesday will be like.


I have, on the other hand, noticed that my skin seems a little clearer and less blotchy today than it did on Day 1 of the detox.  I don't know if that's related, but it's an interesting observation.


I'll keep you posted and update you on Wednesday night or possibly Thursday morning with an "after" picture.  Same way, too.  No makeup, no tank top.  Just to be fair.

Trying to DETOX!!

I was shown this detox diet a couple of months ago by my cousin's wife, and thought, "whew, that's nuts."

Well, I found a new 7 day diet on the all mighty Pinterest last week, and thought to myself, "Self, why don't you give this a try after the grandparents visit, and that way you won't have to worry about watching what you eat around them?"

Therefore, while all the grandparents were here, both D and I just stopped caring about what we were eating...mostly so we wouldn't have to stress about it.  He gained 1 pound.  I gained 6.  In 5 days.


Now, this diet is pretty specific, but I'm not concerned.  I've followed tough diets before.  This girl claims that you can lose 10 pounds or more in the week, but I want to lose 6.  I think it's pretty possible since I'm sure most of the weight I've gained is bloating from poor diet and sodium, etc.  I really don't think I gained 6 pounds of fat.  So, HERE is the link to the "Satan diet"  (you know, because it's evil, or what have you), and let's go on a journey of rapid weight loss together.

My tummy's been feeling icky since last weekend, so I think just flushing out my system is a really excellent idea anyway.

Okay.  Here we go.  Whew.  Please don't judge me.


Weigh in:  128  This is a 6 pound increase from last Thursday.


Here comes the picture.


I couldn't get a good one fully dressed...so...I had to take off my tank top.

Some of it is skin, and that will never shrink, 'cause, you know, I had a kid.  And now there's extra bits of me.


Please don't mock me.

For the record--I AM flexing in this picture.

No makeup.  Pre-workout.


Please have mercy.

Quinoa "Meatballs!" Recipe, photos, and thoughts on healthy living

So.  I've lost a couple more pounds (go me!) and we're in a pretty good groove here, health wise.  I still have MAJOR issues with portion control, and subscribe to the believe that every pizza is a personal pizza if you believe in yourself enough.


Anyway.  Today was Meatless Monday at our house, and so we did spaghetti squash, homemade marinara sauce (thank you, skinnytaste.com) and "meatballs."

D wasn't a huge fan, he's a carnivore, but Baby T actually ate one right from my hand, the little klepto.

This recipe makes 13 pretty hearty sized "meatballs."

Quinoa Vegetarian "Meatballs"

Servings:  13   Calories:  47  Fat: 1 g  Protein:  2 g  Fiber:  1 g Carbs: 8 g


Ingredients

1/2 c uncooked Quinoa
1 tsp olive oil
1/2 c finely chopped red onion
1 medium finely chopped roma tomato
1/4 c Italian seasoned breadcrumbs (I used Progresso)
2 large, mashed garlic cloves
2 tbsp finely chopped fresh basil
1 large egg


First, cooked the Quinoa according to package directions.   Saute the onion, garlic, and part of the tomato in olive oil until onions are clear.  Add the basil when the onions are almost done and saute until ready.
Put everything in a big bowl and add egg and breadcrumbs.  Mix up really well and make ping pong ball sized lumps.  Place on well greased baking sheet and bake at 350 for 25 minutes.  Enjoy with marinara sauce!

These probably could have used extra salt and pepper, but I like to under-season everything.  I figure you can always add more.

Here's the deal.  Eating healthy is great.  Really.  I have found or invented a lot of great recipes in the past 6 months or so.  However, I think a world without sweets is no world I want to live in.  Pretzels and chocolate?  Forget about it.  So yummy.  So, if anyone has any ideas on how I can discover the elusive "portion control" or "will power," let me know, would you?  Because baking is a passion of mine, and I can't do it...or the whole pan/cookie sheet/bowl/whatever will be gone in a sitting.  I may be small, but I can pack it in, baby.