Hello, dear Reader. It's been a while. It's been a pretty bad winter, health wise. I weighed in at 120 in Mid-December, two weeks ago I was 129, and I am pretty sure it's gone even higher now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I've let myself fall onto the binge eating band wagon again, and though it's pretty personal, I feel like maybe my problem can help others, and maybe others might have advice for me.
For the record, the logical part of my brain knows that I'm doing the wrong thing, so there's no need to point that out. I know things need to change.
In December, I thought to myself, "come on, it's the holidays, you'll just start dieting again in January." Well, 2 weeks into January, dedicatedly following the "slow carb" diet, I hadn't lost a single pound. That was depressing enough, so I started falling back to treating myself to a little of T's plate after he'd finished his lunch/dinner/whatever. Then, he started getting into the whole baking thing, and kept pulling out sugar, salt, flour, etc from the cupboard and saying, "make something, Mommy!" I just couldn't say no.
After a while, it turned into bedtime snacks, samples at the store, then that raw cookie dough recipe that is so popular on Pinterest. I started to hate my lack of will power, the fact that my new pants don't button like they used to, and then I'd eat because, you know, why bother dieting if I'm not losing weight anyway?
Tonight, I put peanut butter on Chocolate Fiber One, with milk, then ate it like that, adding sugar free instant pudding, etc. I ate some chips. This is all after dinner. It's starting to get ridiculous. Scratch that. It's been ridiculous since January 1st. Every morning I don't dare step on the scale because I just KNOW I'm now in the mid 130s, possibly higher. Every morning I look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see, and every morning I promise myself I'm going to be better.
I never am. I always fail after dinner. Finally, Sunday, I had D hide all the sugar and flour in the house. I have no idea where they are. I miss them. It's stupid, illogical, and I hate that I feel this way. I'm sick to my stomach all the time from the poor eating, but it never stops me.
I hate myself so much I eat because I'm not worth getting better. I hate that I'll never be skinny. I hate how I'm turning back into that overweight, ill-clothed girl I was a year ago, and I'm not doing a dang thing to stop it. It just keeps getting worse, not better.
I've always had body image issues, ever since I was a girl. I was getting better, proud of what I'd done, until I took off my clothes and saw the "mom" stomach in the mirror, and knew that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll always have that. The pain that comes from perpetual failure is slowly killing me from the inside out, and I don't have the willpower to stop.
We're supposed to go on a cruise in October. I want to be in a two piece swim suit by then...so I probably need to drop 20 lbs. Maybe more. I'm too scared, too depressed, too mad at myself to check. I should have been down to my goal weight by now. Instead, I just watch myself get bigger, and bigger, and inflict more damage just because I can.
I know I need help. Professional help. But with a new job, a new child to babysit, and life as hectic as it is right now, there is just no time to go to a therapist once a week, or month, or whatever. Not to mention no money for it.
I don't know why I'm putting this out there for everyone to read. But here it is. And writing it out is somehow therapeutic. Will it stop me from hurting myself? I don't know. I really don't. But I want to stop. I want that strength that lost me 30 lbs last year to come back. I just don't know what to do. No, I know exactly what to do. But I am afraid.
Afraid of failure. Afraid that I've messed up my metabolism is a gloriously brutal way. Afraid that the techniques I've had success with won't work again. How do I get back on track? How do you fix yourself?
Sorry this post has been so depressing. I'm going to try and be better at writing from now on. I even have a meatloaf recipe to post.
